Environmentally Unfriendly?

Today I have chosen to make the world a better place. Today I have chosen to become a better person. Today, my fellow readers, I have taken one step into mankind's inevitable tree-huggging future.

Today, I /purchased/ a grocery bag!

It started innocently enough. During my weekly trip to the Bi-Lo (to pick up some milk and cookie dough), I walked in and immediately noticed a giant rack of bright red Bi-Lo bags marked "Environmentally friendly!" "Discounted Grocery!" Now, I'm a frugal type of person, and I liked the idea of getting discounted cookie dough just as much as anyone else, so I examined them a bit closer. Apparently plastic is ruining the world, so Bi-Lo is /selling/cloth grocery bags for customers to bag their groceries in (and plus they give you 5 cents for each bag you have at checkout time!)

I don't know about /you/. But to /me/ the most uncool thing in the whole world is pushing one of those stupid squeaky carts. You push it one way, it goes another. You walk away to pick up a bag of chips, and a random crazy soccer mom steals it out from under you. You try to push it away from oncoming traffic, and you accidentally ram it into some rotten 3 year old kid playing with the cereal boxes. WELL, MA'AM YOU SHOULD HAVE STRAPPED HIM INTO HIS UNCOOL BUGGY CART SEAT.

Obviously the only viable alternatives to the dreaded buggy, of course, are to carry everything you can possible in your hands, while trying to simultaneously not drop anything. (This usually ends unsuccessfully in a "clean-up in aisle 5" incident) OR carry your items /in/ something. Today, I bought a red bag.

Happy as a lark, I crammed all of my groceries into the glorious cloth sack and quickly made it to the checkout counter without any major incidents or embarrassing broken spaghetti sauce jars. I was especially delighted with the fact that I wasn't ice cold from cradling the milk and sour cream containers against my skin for the twenty minutes it takes to get to the cashier.  

As I was standing in line, I began to notice that /everyone/ in the generally vicinity was eyeing me oddly, and I also began to notice that not ONE SINGLE OTHER PERSON in the entire store was carrying a purchased red grocery bag. The longer I stood the more self conscious I became and soon the only thing that kept me from outright fleeing the line (and the store) was the knowledge of the fact that my groceries were going to be discounted and that I was helping Bi-Lo become more environmentally friendly.

When it was my turn to check out, I put the groceries down on the stand and beamed a pretty smile at the cashier--expecting some praise for my open "oneness" with nature.

"I got one of the red bags!" I said, "So, you won't have to waste the plastic ones."
Cashier: *gum snap *eyeroll
Bagboy: "Aww man not another red bag. HEY FRANK, do we /have/ to put the groceries in those things?"

My brain exploded into a FRENZY of SHOCK!

WHAAAT!!!!! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, You make me BUY this thing, AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE /FUN/ OF ME FOR FILLING IT WITH MY GROCERIES, INSTEAD OF SUFFOCATING BABY ANIMALS WITH THE CRAPPY EASY-TO-TEAR SEE-THROUGH .5 CENT PLASTIC BAGS?!!!!

MAYBE THIS WEEK, I DON'T WANT MY BAG TO BREAK BECAUSE SOME INCOMPETENT ADOLESCENT BOYS DON'T KNOW HOW TO PACK GROCERY ITEMS.

MAYBE I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE MY CHEAP SHAMPOO ROLLING ACROSS THE FLOOR OF THE STORE OR KNOW THAT I HAVE TO BUY SECRET'S "EXTRA-STRONG-PROTECTION-ANTIPERSPIRANT" DEODORANT INSTEAD OF THE REGULAR KIND.

MAYBE I DON'T WANT EVERYONE TO SEE THE LABEL OF MY FAT-FREE CHEESE PRESSED AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE PLASTIC WRAP, OR MY DIETARY FIBER PEEKING OUT OF THE TOP OF THE BAG

MAYBE - JUST MAYBE - I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY GROCERIES ACTUALLY SIT STILL IN THE BAG FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF ROLLING ABOUT IN MY CAR FLOOR AND SPILLING INTO THE SEATS"

I guess the Bi-Lo is too cool for THEIR OWN red bags. I recovered my composure, paid for my items, and head-down made the "walk of shame" to my car. With my damaged pride firmly hidden under my mask of idealism, I happened to look down into my bag. Readers, just let me inform you. Inside my "environmentally friendly" "biodegradable" "discounted!" "cloth" bag,  -e-v-e-r-y- -s-i-n-g-l-e- -o-n-e- of my items had been wrapped .....*sigh*....... in plastic bags.